Humbled. The Ticos we have met have been generous, loving, kind and so helpful. Genuinely kind. My heart is filled with gratitude.
Embarrassed. I know it takes time to learn a language. But to be honest, I feel embarrassed as I stumble through – trying to make myself understood. I speak ‘broken Spanish’. It’s a mess, most certainly. My experience in the bank last week was so traumatic that today I felt so nervous when I went to exchange money! Kindly, the teller asked for a lady who knew English to talk with me. That was helpful, but again, I felt embarrassed that I needed it. “Really Amy. You need to have the same grace and patience for yourself that you have for others. It takes time! Everything takes time. You will not be perfect. Ever. And you will not be proficient at anything in two weeks.” I am like a baby. Observing. Learning.
Lilyana has it right. We don’t belong here. We dropped ourselves into another country. Different language and culture. Different laws. Different everything! I often feel frustrated. I have to remind myself that I came for an adventure. And boy, is it an adventure! It’s exhilarating and terrifying- all at the same time. I don’t regret anything, just transparently discussing how it feels.
WHAT am I doing here anyway? I’m a Leaper. And I leapt. Now what? It’s time to SLOW DOWN. To rest. To repair from so many years of Busy. So many years of Fast. So many years of Ambitious. There is nothing wrong with all those years. But God has called me into something else. And it’s uncomfortable. I’ve only been here a couple weeks. It still feels like a vacation. I’m not gonna lie. I felt guilty when I saw the caretaker, Leo, mowing the grass today. All. Day. Long. He told me it takes him five days to mow the yards. It just feels wrong not to be working, working, working.
I’m feeling incredibly lonely. And I’m feeling as though I am on the verge of something. I feel God calling me out. Out of my old life. But I feel as though that is going to take a breaking. It’s uncomfortable, but I am certain it will be worth it. Because God doesn’t call us to go out and ‘do’ for Him. He calls us to be with Him. Psalm 61:3-4 says, “Lord, you are a paradise of protection to me. You lift me high above the fray. None of my foes can touch me, when I’m held in your wraparound presence! Keep me in this glory. Let me live continually under your splendor-shadow, hiding my life in You forever.” (TPT)
After reading this passage this week, this was the conversation I had with the Lord:
“You are my Beloved Daughter. Set apart. For such a time as this. For Me. Together- we for others.”
I’m glad I’m not sent out without You.
“Of course not. I left My Spirit with You. With. Emmanuel. With.”
‘With’ sounds nice. I like it.
“It’s all about With. With Adam & Eve in the garden. With Joseph in the pit. With My people in Salem. With Mary. With- in the cloud and the fire. With- on the boat in the storm. With- in the Promised Land. With- you.”
Whoah. With. Such a powerful Word. Thank you.
If you’ve never journaled your prayers before, I encourage you to try it. I hear from the Lord better when I write. My thoughts are slowed way down and there is space for hearing Him. So I write what I hear in quotation marks. It’s very powerful for my alone time with the Lord.